What I mean about the sound of rapids is that I am moribund. If I throw a ball up in the air, it will fall to earth. So when does the ball start to fall- when it reaches the apogee? No, because it is bound to fall, in effect the ball starts falling when I throw it up. Therefore, I started dying when I was conceived.
Please try to understand, I was a "strong Christian", a yogi, and many other things. I tried to believe in God and country. I searched everywhere for meaning. I restrained myself for the sake of my soul, only to find I have none. My brother's death in front of me, despite his supernatural pretensions, showed neither soul nor angel.
So what is left for me? There are only two options, despair and pleasure. Either I can collapse into nihilistic depression- but anyway I must become something else, also moribund, and so on ad infinitum. I will never be the same, and I cannot stop being. Therefore I resolve to live, to enjoy everything I desire, without guilt and without pretension, and dissolve myself into life.
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